I sat in the window in my home/office and stared out at the trees in a daze; I felt paralyzed at the idea that the life I had been leading for the past 11 years was coming to an end. I had to take action but where was I to begin? My life was unraveling as if I were in a slow motion movie. The fear I felt was beyond anything I had know before.
This was not my first divorce. But, what it did have in common with my first was an overwhelming feeling of not mattering to anyone. I had a profound sense of failure and a deep seated belief that I could not manage on my own. I felt cornered like an animal, and the courage I needed to move forward was beyond my grasp. And yet, out of self-preservation, I had to act. I had to do something to save my own life, but I couldn't see anyone who could help me. That left one choice: I had to become my own hero. I had to create a life of respect...but all I knew was shame... and loss... and fear.
My healing, like that of so many divorced women, began on this perilous road. A road I was on all alone and as terrified as I was, I had no choice but to get up each day and move my life one step away from what was my marriage. Somehow the journey became not just one of recovery from my divorce, but one where I discovered my true self. Did I seek this out? Not really, I just wanted to get out of the pain I was in. The immense reward was that on the other end of my divorce was my true self.
Divorce is a death; the life you knew before you decided to stop being Mr. and Mrs. So and So is gone forever. As Nora Ephron wrote: "Marriages come and go, divorce is forever." You can never go back to that security (however unreal), those friends, that existence. What you have in front of you is a whole new road. For some, it's like being Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, full of new friendships and some perilous adventures, but ultimately a happy ending. For others, it's more like being adrift on a sea without a compass; never knowing when the weather will turn for the worse or when you'll find dry land.
What I can tell you is that the path you end up on is decided by you. Your attitude shapes your decisions and the more you can look at your divorce as a journey to a new life, the easier it will be to create a new life you love. The more you stay stuck in the fear of the unknown or in your grief beyond the normal healing process, the harder it will be to fully start over.
This was the lesson I learned: that to get out of where I was stuck, I needed support. Loving people who would help mentor me to my new self. Today, that is the role I play for many women, just like you, who are looking to understand how to safely get to the other side of a divorce. The questions that seem to keep people stuck are the ones around security. Money, employment, housing, day-to-day expenses, children and the role of a single parent. Can you afford everything, do everything, be everything to the people in your life?
It's not easy, but with support, it's not just do-able, you can get to a happier place than you ever imagined. Remember at the other side of your divorce is you, and that includes the fully independent, strong version of you that may have been missing for some time.
If you're looking to make it to the other side of your divorce in the most fruitful way, I can help.
I first began working with Pegi during a time when my marriage was quite unstable. My husband and I loved each other very much yet there were insecurities that kept us from truly enjoying our marriage, sex and each other. While married, I realized I was more lonely than I'd ever been, uncertain of myself, my desires and desperate to fix-this relationship; I always thought everything was my fault.
I was lonely and paralyzed by fear.
Pegi and I began meeting once a week during what I now see as one of the most confusing times of my life. I would come to our sessions desperate for answers on how to fix this, how to be sexier, how to get my husband to want me, how to define myself, how to trust myself. My needs were spilling out everywhere.
I know if someone had come to me with that level of chaos and fear, I would have said "here's a quarter, please call ANYONE else but me.”
But not Pegi.
She had a way of holding me accountable to show up and gently, yet powerfully, pull me out of my spirals. I can now see the art in how she never followed me down my rabbit trails of fear, but instead guided me along a clear path towards self-respect, love and trust.
Her method of bringing a person from insecurity to confidence is as practical as it is powerful and I can absolutely attest that it was her way (hilarious, wise and consistent) combined with practical weekly exercises that helped me get through my divorce with grace and love.
When the time was right, I was able to end things with my husband from a place of self-love and confidence.
Pegi's coaching during those months made all the difference. Her genuine care and unwillingness to see me as my authentic self, made all the difference in my life and I am now the girl in the red dress (you have to work with her to understand what this means - trust me, you wanna be the girl in the red dress:)
I am forever grateful for this priceless relationship in my life.
Mary C. Shurett
Los Angeles, CA
“When I met Pegi, I was a confused 40 year old who had just been left by her husband of 20 years. I was working for an abusive tennis club owner. I had very low self-esteem and all that goes along with that.
I needed help, but struggled with sharing my feelings with anyone, I felt like a failure as a Mother and wife. Pegi recognized it and took on the challenge to help me get a grip. She has a knack for getting one to consider healthier ways to live life thoughtfully and effectively.
The tools she taught me how to use five years ago I still use to this day. could go on and on. I now own the salon I worked for, quit the tennis club, divorced my abusive husband, and my children are now stable young adults. I had not dreamed of that ever! I do thank God ,the universe, some higher power for allowing my path to cross with Pegi’s. I know her coaching helped to give me skills leading me to an awesome life!”
Redondo Beach, CA