It's NEVER about the Money
...even when it is.
Trust is believing in the intangible - a leap of faith. Webster's defines it as "reliance on the future truth of someone or something." It's the willingness to suspend control over something you usually don''t have control over anyway. Trust is based upon being authentic and really knowing yourself and believing in your own competence.
In my first session with a new client, I usually ask that person to define "trust" and then ask how much that person trusts the people in his or her inner circle. Trust goes beyond believing that our partner is monogamous -it includes believing that our partner''s feelings and words are concentric. It also includes knowing that someone will show up in an emergency for you. But do any of these people always tell you the truth? I ask clients to rate the people in their lives on a scale from 1 to 100%, 100% being most trustworthy. Most trustworthy means being 100% authentic.
We use this benchmark as a reference point as we move through the 20 topics in our sessions, to demonstrate where their lack of stability was reinforced, and how that showed up later in their lives as not being able to trust themselves.
If your early childhood years were chaotic, filled with consistent, unpredictable behavior by your caregivers whose words and actions were not congruent, you grew up in an environment that challenged your instincts and eroded your self- confidence. How often I have heard: "My father told me what I felt, and would argue with me if I disagreed." That dismissal of a young child's feelings is a trigger for the child to have self- esteem issues that manifest in her adult life as a lack of self-trust.
Kenny had a twin brother who was shy. His parents always insisted he take his brother everywhere he went, which made Kenny angry. He never had his own life, and the family''s attitude that Ronnie, the twin, was weak further enabled Ronnie to continue to act weak and be a victim.
Their mother never saw the boys as being different from each other. Her need to have them act close was just that -an act. Because there was no real individualization for each boy, the boys grew up always angry with each other, and to this day they are impatient with and hostile toward each other. But in the company of other people, they never show their disdain for one another. They put on their adapted personas.
The boys do not trust one another because they never learned to trust themselves. When a child is celebrated for being separate and is respected for being himself, trust can grow. A child who is not given support and not heard for being different grows up wary and suspicious of others.
It''s no surprise that today Kenny has distorted behavior about money. He feels he never gets paid enough, purchases things he cannot afford and complains to his wife that she needs to go back to work while managing a household of three children, all under the age of ten.
Trusting yourself is a sign of true meaning and healing. How do you reach the goal of inner trust and self-love? Once again, you begin the process with baby steps. You need to establish respect for yourself. Keep your self-commitments, and respect will follow. Once there''s respect, trust will endure.
Commit to something - anything - and do it every day. Watch how the world does not stop spinning. Everybody goes about their lives doing what they do - and so can you.
Then expand the commitment, add another task, follow the formula, continue to do it EVERY DAY. It will be a new positive habit, and the day you legitimately cannot do that thing, you will not feel guilty. You will feel in control and calm. You will have confidence that you can pick it up again tomorrow.
Anytime you promise to do something for yourself (make your bed, exercise, journal, avoid sugar, drink less) and then you do not do it, your inner five-year old is driving the bus, she has control. When you start to trust yourself, you are getting closer to your authentic self, increment- by-increment, rung-by-rung.
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